i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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