I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
