I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
