If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
a search helicopter?!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
