In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
