A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We had to coat check the pizza.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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