Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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