Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
