Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
