New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
