Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
