ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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