you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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