Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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