I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
