If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
