every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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