Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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