Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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