That's when you crack a 10am beer
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
