i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
