I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
