so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
