I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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