I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
