I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
