i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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