dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
