what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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