I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
