I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
