You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
