The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
