and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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