I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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