we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
