oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
