All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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