Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
