After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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