I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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