guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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