im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
