Define "chronic" masturbator.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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