There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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