He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
