Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you had me at cake vodka
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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