I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I made him laugh his dick is mine
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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