...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
