We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
