I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
